You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
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Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Do not steal food from the science building!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Perfect
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
