Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth