Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

every single time

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards