Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican