Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

This kid is a star!

Whoops

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Your honor these allegations are

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.