you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?