you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.