you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”