you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY