you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
#catsoftwitter
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“OMGJK” -atheists
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out