you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Good morning y’all ☀️