“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Looking at you, Jesus.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison