Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

Worth remembering.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

pain

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.