@omgthatspunny

You used to call me on my spell phone

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@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

@vinnycrack

the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because

1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

@TwatyTweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@TragicAllyHere

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

@hellohappy_time

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry