Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

I’d … I’d rather not.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.