You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
This dude got his own movie?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat