Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

I think about this a lot

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.