you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
me refusing to leave twitter
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.