You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.