You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Sharon, call the vet
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Why soy sad?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..