You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Strangers have the best candy.
Education is vital
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”