You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
You Might Also Like
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Natty or not?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.