Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

I basically called this earlier today

Merry Christmas

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Good morning

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.