You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
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Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
A wise man once said nothing.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.