You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?