Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

I need to update my racial profile.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are