You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
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I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.