Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Sorry. Not sorry

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.