You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Best misinterpreted text ever!
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My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I think about this a lot
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?