You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Social distancing in Australia:
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about