Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.