you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.