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In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My life coach traded me.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.