Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.