You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
dark side of the loom
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.