Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

What even happened today?

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.