You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway