You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
my friends when i can’t do basic math
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no