Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

black phone good

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

😂🐾

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”