“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Sunday
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD