Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory