Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women