Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

😂

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”