“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
A leaf blower, but for people.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all