Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just me and my debit card against the world
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.