Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker