Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.