You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.


(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
angel: you ok pal?


subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog


<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no


Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?


*walks up to counter at funeral home*

EMPLOYEE: Can I help you?

ME: Hi, yes, I’ll take one death, please.


Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS


Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?