You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!