Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Möther may I have a snäck

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.