Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

This guy gets it.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?