“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
was Jim off killing horses or…
