“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
socratic questions
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh