“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.