“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
😾
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*