You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?