you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder