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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.