You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
birds and squirrels envy us
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime