You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left