“You want me to do what?!”🤣
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I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.