You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.