You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I will never stop laughing at this
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.