Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

screw you

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests