You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.