You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
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Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Brb my Sims are getting married
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?