You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Bringing home a sharpie
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?