You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy