Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.