Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

logging onto twitter…

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

ouch

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

crying

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.