You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
God tier horse name today on the sims
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.