You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
this is the news I live for
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.