You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: