Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes