You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Jupiter
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”