Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

This chloroform smells expensiv…

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call