You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
You Might Also Like
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Good morning!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.