You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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what does he know…
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Your secret is safeish with me
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.