Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.